Raising grandchildren becoming common

By Cherry Sokoloski
North Forty News

Consider this scenario: Joe and Mary are thrilled to be able to retire, after both have worked more years than they care to remember. They have their finances in order, they have a long-delayed trip to Europe planned, and they hope their grandkids will come and stay for a week or so in the summer.

Then comes the big surprise (or, it may not be such a surprise). Joe and Mary receive a call from the Department of Human Services in another state. Their daughter's two children have been placed in foster care. The daughter, who is divorced, has been committed to a mental hospital and is unlikely to be able to care for her children in the future. Could Joe and Mary provide a permanent home for them?

This story is fiction, but it represents a sobering fact of modern-day America. According to information compiled by the American Association of Retired Persons Foundation, more than 6 million children in the United States are being raised in households headed by grandparents. In some cases the children's parents also live with them, but for 2.5 million children, the parents are not in the home.

Sometimes the children have been orphaned. More often, the parents are unable to care for their children because of addictions, incarceration, mental health problems or domestic violence.

Local impact

Larimer County has its share of these generous folks--grandparents who have put their own plans on hold while raising their children's children. One such couple is Keith and Anna Everett of LaPorte, who adopted Anna's granddaughter Nadia three years ago.

Anna's daughter and Nadia's mother, Angela Hess, is still involved in Nadia's life. At the time of this interview, she was visiting from New Mexico for Christmas. Now 27, she is enrolled in nursing school and has turned her life around.

When she was younger, however, Angela had problems with drugs and made some bad choices--including "not picking very good guys." As a result, she said, "I ended up with a bunch of kids and no dad."

Eventually, her three children were removed from her home because of drug abuse. Nadia, a kindergartner at the time, was placed with the Everetts; the two younger children were adopted by other families.

After Angela lost her children, she finally had time to work on personal issues that contributed to her drug use. "There was a lot of sadness," she said, and she credits her faith for providing the strength that was needed to go through the process.

Nadia, now 8, understands why she is living with her grandparents, and she is thriving in their home. She does well in school and has "a passion for life," according to her grandmother. "It's a joy to see her grow and get more stable," Anna said.

Even though the Everetts' travel and leisure plans have been put on hold, "It's worth it," Anna said, "when you sacrifice and you see someone benefit."

Nadia helps keep the Everetts young - and busy. Although Keith travels a lot for his business, when he's home he is very much a granddad for Nadia. They go fishing and gold mining, he built her a tree house, and they make things together in Keith's workshop. He also bought her a goat to teach her responsibility.

It's been an adjustment, though. Keith is 56 and Anna is 50. They're more tied down than before, and Keith doesn't see retirement in his future. "I need to keep earning," he stated.

The Everetts receive support from several sources. With friends who have also adopted, they trade childcare responsibilities. They enjoy family activities with the Foster and Adoptive Families of Larimer County, and they sometimes attend the new support group sponsored by the Larimer County Alliance for Grandfamilies. Anna will soon begin mentoring other grandparents through the alliance.

Their primary support, however, comes from their faith. "Everything we do for Nadia is based on biblical principles of the family," Keith said.

Anna has one message to share with others in their situation. "There's always hope" for the adult children, she stressed, pointing to the turnaround in Angela's life.

Anna knows other grandparents who are angry with their adult children and feel hopeless about the children's lives.

"It's hard to keep the positive perspective when you're under a lot of stress," Anna acknowledged.

New support services

The Larimer County Alliance for Grandfamilies was launched in April to support all relative caregivers, not just grandparents. The group formed because of "three tenacious grandparents who wouldn't take no for an answer," according to Josh Rabe, the kinship care system navigator for the alliance.

The alliance is based at the Namaqua Center in Loveland. Besides meeting individually with kinship care providers, Rabe organizes support groups, emergency respite care and educational programs. Twice each year, an eight-week series called "Parenting the Second Time Around" is provided for grandparents or other relatives raising children.

All services offered by the alliance are free. The program is funded by the Namaqua Center, Larimer County Department of Human Services, Larimer County Office on Aging and Colorado State University Extension. "It's the most amazing community collaboration I've ever been involved with," said Rabe.

More information about the Alliance for Grandfamilies, including the support group schedule, can be found on its web site, www.fortnet.org/lcgrg, or by calling Rabe at 622-7311.

National groups supporting kinship care providers include Generations United at www.gu.org and AARP at www.aarp.org.